remember to breathe

A bit too much?

2011-05-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

I believe utopias could never exist, at least not for very long. It is more of a fantasy or solitary place. It's inane to think such a place with social, political, and governmental perfection could exist. Society couldn't work like that, no two men would have the same thoughts and eventually circumstances will arise. There would never be a real utopia because as people we thrive on being the best, or better than the next person. How can any place no matter the size require no perfection when there is always a search for approval. Man will always seek some form of "you did good". Although it is not perfection per say, it is some form of it. It would be an idealists vision of perfection. Same with political/governmental/law perfection. The streets would eventually go rampant, because everyone wants more than they can handle, always searching for something greater and never content with what is in front of them. I guess for me a utopia is really in ones mind, once you add to it, it becomes less of a utopia and more of a society searching for meaning.

Trust

2011-05-16T19:00:00.001-07:00

Trust; -noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing;

confidence. 2. confident expectation of something; hope.

What is trust anymore? [as far as the kind we put/give into people] I can’t recall if I have or haven’t touched on this topic, so I shall do it now. I don’t get it, why is it so hard for some people and easy for others? I thought for a while I could trust so easily, but maybe in some way I was wrong. Thinking about it lately, I’ve been questioning. How can anyone trust, how is something so simple, so hard to do? Why do we, as human beings make such things so difficult? As far as trusting and allowing others to trust us. To me it’s easier said than done. It’s easy to promise feelings of a high, feelings of such great measures in the moment. What happens when the high is over, do our promises and words become invalid and fade away? Why should we get that privilege? Why should we be allowed to go back on our promises because our minds change? “It happens”, “people change”, “sometimes its just not meant to be”…all excuses and disguises of us being crowned liars, because in the end, to me, that is what we are. Like I said, what gives us the right to just throw all our promises away and simply walk away because we grow apart from a person? YES it DOES happen, but we shouldn’t say things we don’t mean, no matter how in love we perceive to be at any moment in time. These are my opinions, so think whatever the hell you want, but I know a little part of you agree’s with me, a part of you feels what I’m saying because you’ve been in this position. We can’t help it, were human and we crave affection, we need it like its a drug. We want that closeness, it may not be all the time, i know some people like to be proud of the fact that they are single and can do whatever the hell they want, but no one can sit and tell me, that at the end of the day when they’re sitting alone in their head they aren’t thinking to themselves that they don’t want that love, that indescribable feeling of knowing theres someone in your life that means something more. so we trust and most time it just goes, just like that. We are left in pain and hurt from feelings changed, from wondering what could have possibly changed? But what would we do if we didn’t put so much hope and trust into someone? Maybe we would have nothing to really hold onto, nothing to try for, because we have to try, at the least we can try. even if all these things do happen, even if we say the things that could eventually turn us into liars, at least we can say we gave it a shot, sometimes our minds and most often our hearts give in, we give into that animal instinct and just go for the kill. We dive in because we all want to be happy, we all want that better half, someone we can call all our own. So we try, and we hope, hope to keep going, hope that the trust we give and receive won’t be for nothing. Thats all we really can do. Nothing is ever promised unfortunately, we can only hope for the best and expect the worst. Sometimes, our trust and our hope won’t fail, at least, we have that to look forward to.

Can I?

2011-05-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

Can I be saved from myself when I'm the one causing my own destruction?! JK...or am I?

In a world where everything is handed to us, yet it is. it's hard growing up right anymore. its hard to know when we've reached our limit. as an adult i still dont feel grown. when is it that time to call myself a real adult, i feel like a trapped child inside, deprived of most of mine, i wouldnt go back. even though i semi hate who i am today, i would have to say i cant go back it would void out who i am today to change the past. sadly i couldnt imagine myself any of other way, but sadly i know i could be better if i put my mind to it. so why havent i done it? a question im still waiting for myself to answer.

WHAT ROLE DOES A BEST FRIEND PLAY IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS…

2010-12-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

Alright let me explain here what i mean. Best friends, are in no way a reflection of the amount of time you have known a person, instead, the amount of trust, comfortability, and what you put into the friendship. a best friend means a lot to people, we open up to them more than anyone else, and know they will understand us no matter what and we always trust them back and value everything they have to say. They want whats best for you and you want whats best for them.
Now, what happens when you get into a relationship? Do they continue that same role, do you continue to put as much emphasis on them as you did before you found a new love interest? Usually theres an even mix. nothing has to change. So, what happens when you find someone you really like and you start seeing them, nothing serious. but, then you and your best friend talk and they start saying stuff about your new interest when they hardly know them, and other information from other people about the new love. i know its your best friend and you listen to them and trust them, but what would you do? would you just call it quits and tell your new interest that its over. plain and simple that its over, best friends want whats best and thats it so your done. idk, to be honest, i could confront the person and see whats up. let them tell their side and see what would happen. people could change though for real. like we cant take peoples faults of the past and hold it against them. the example i just gave you is real, so dont think i made it up, it inspired this post. i thought it was a lil to much to be honest. i trust my friends, my best friends, but sometimes when it comes to a personal relationship a person you want to be close with in that intimate way, you have to take a chance, like i said, confront them, ask question, find out their intentions, give them a chance, and if you feel you still need to leave then do so. but if not then fine your done. i dont think it would be a diss against a friend either, you hear them out and act on it. nothing wrong with that. anyway i guess thats all i have to say about that for now. what are your thoughts on it all?

ideas.

2010-12-04T01:34:00.001-08:00

i always have a lot of ideas in my head, an idea to write about, or idea to film, take a picture, build, cook/bake, or just anything. mostly my ideas come to me late at night when im doing the most thinking, on top of all the thinking i do all day anyway haha. i've been lacking in my writing, however, i usually wouldn't care. but, lately, i've found myself missing it so much. so with this post i guess ill try to gain some of that empty feeling back.

there's been many topics i have wanted to write about, but have just been so lazy and out of it that i just haven't mustered up the time to sit here and write. so here goes nothing, ipod on shuffle and head in the right place.

why is ANYTHING a person does always on trial with everyone else?! seriously, mostly speaking in terms of family and friends, and even times people we don't know [aka society] its like a person can't take a shit nowadays without someone else's approval. why should an individuals [and yes we are ALL individuals, we all have our own minds and thought proccess'] choices be ANY concern to anyone else, period? i know it gets hard at times with family, traditions, not wanting to disrespect or go against certain values. but we as a society act so strange and hurtful at times when a person decides to step outside the circle we have so carefully drawn for them. we are so afraid of change that the slightest difference causes so much chaos, yet we fail to remember that at the end of the day that change rarely effects any of us personally, other than giving us the "stank" face saying: "wtf are they thinking?", as we then move on with our day. come on, think about it, half the people in the world would not be where they are now, if they weren't so afraid to think for themselves. we grow up to value what our parents feed us through the years, then when we develop our own minds, we are told that it is wrong and to not go against it. why do we do that to our future? why do we keep saying no, when we should allow our kids [anyone for that matter] to think and feel and experience life in their own way. i understand we want to look out for them and guide them, yes thats one thing. but to completely take away what could possibly make them their own individual, its just wrong. we all have a choice, always, to take that away so early, its just screaming for trouble. its not right, but society will never understand that. and it takes the people who aren't afraid to step outside the lines to be the ones who turn out that much greater, to show everyone else, it can be done and not mean were not human anymore. because above everything else, were still all the same inside. some just have that drive to show it more than others. no matter who you are, who you like, what you do, how you do it, remember you can never be wrong for the person you know you are. fuck what everyone else thinks, stick to your heart and you'll be just fine.

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

-saurus

Can we...

2010-09-29T20:16:00.001-07:00

Can we rest now?

=/

2010-07-29T10:00:00.001-07:00

im so fucked up its not even funny. i need to start over

uhm..

2010-07-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

"I have a question: in relationships is there ALWAYS going to be one person that likes the other person more and if so, which side is better to be on??" -M.J.

Alright so I suppose I want to touch on this topic, give my "two cents" if you will. I guess I can agree that theres someone in each relationship that loves/likes more than the other. Personally I can say I was once the one who loved/liked more. I can say from this experience it sucks and hurts more to be on this side, as opposed to the one who likes less. Why? Because it fucking hurts in the end to know you loved them more than them you. Makes you feel like they were just settling for you, you were a momentary decision, and never expected to keep. I heard different opinions like, "its unhealthy" and "relationships are give and take". Both along with many others have a lot of validity to them. I also believe it is just whatever you think as a person, whatever "works" for you, because honestly, there is no right or wrong answer for this question. It can be unhealthy to love too much because in the end theres a chance you'll get hurt. But then again how else would we love but with everything we have? [or like] it's pointless to me to do it any other way. Ok theres times when we sort of like someone, but we have to warm up to them, we grow to like them as much as we do. Maybe you have so much to give that the other person can't keep up, doesn't mean they don't like you or love you. If so, that would be really fucked up to just lead someone on because you want to spare their feelings. Don't do this, please. The last thing you want to do in my opinion is try and play the savior and drag someone along because you are afraid to hurt them, trust me you are hurting them so much more by doing this. Let them go, tell them you're done, whatever you have to do. Just don't keep hope in them when theres no reason. No relationship is balanced, because no two people are the same. You like someone because of what they have to offer, they make you laugh or have similar values, they listen to you, etc, etc. Whatever the case may be theres always going to be differences, they will always let you down in one way or another, but it's something you deal with because every relationship is fucked up, theres always going to be a mess, but true love comes when you still want to be with them after the mess. No one will ever live up to what we want them to be, no one will ever be "perfect" for us. Hmm, to always over analyze things, I guess could mean you're trying to find fault, something you can complain about, is that really how anyone should live? You take the bad with the good, thats a given. Both parties have to genuinely care about the other, it shouldn't matter who likes/loves who more than the other, as long as it's there thats all that should matter. But again life is all around us, even when you think you know a person it could turn out you really don't. I suppose this only applies to when were cheated on or whatever else have you. But again we can't expect anyone to be a certain way, because we are always changing. Or maybe they lost whatever spark they had for you in the first place their time with you is done, which, no, im not giving cheating in any way and excuse, if youre done, then youre done, you should always be upfront about that and end it. Anyway straying too much. Again, in the end its all how you want to deal/think about it all. If it works it works, if not well you know you have to make some changes. If everything was always fine and "normal" and just the same and you knew exactly what to expect, wouldn't you get bored and want something new? I'm not saying go out and cheat, but maybe thats why every relationship has its difficulties, differences, etc. At the end of the day you already know, you really do. But sometimes it's hard to face the truth. Love isn't a fairytale and I can tell you theres hardly ever a happy ending. It's what you make it, live in the moment and enjoy it. If you can't, I suppose all I can say is have fun being miserable all the time.

"Pure love produces pure nonsense."

Imaginary Enemy.

2010-07-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

BLAH

2010-07-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

I've had an array of mixed emotions lately, I know, I know array and mixed pretty opposites, but nonetheless they were mixed but in order, if that makes sense, oh well doesn't have to lol. Well in a sense of mixed because theres just different things on my mind, but anyway this has gone on long enough. Anyway, I've been thinking about so much lately, and I guess I will try to use this blog to sort some thoughts out in my head. I was talking to a friend today and she mentioned how hard it is to get over her ex. Which brought about a lot of thoughts on the subject. Why is it so hard to let go sometimes, even when it should have been done so long ago? People cling, they remember, they anticipate the best when all they should expect is the worst from their ex. They hold on to memories that are good and don't see how horrible its making them feel. Why do we want so much to hold onto something or someone that isn't there anymore, especially when the other person could care less. We can't get that back so why keep trying, it's not fair to ourselves to keep putting ourselves through so much pain. It's like we feel if we just don't give up, if we keep pushing and trying then everything will fall into place. However, sometimes we can't even see that the other person has moved on, if thats the case, theres just no point whatsoever to keep going...We can't control other peoples feelings, this is life, so therefore we have to accept it and move on, no matter how hard it is, it's that much harder when we stay in the situation and not allow ourselves to heal. Because, that's all we really can do, allow ourselves to hurt, go through the pain and eventually given enough time depending on the person, we can move on, but you have to actually allow it to happen. Unfortunately, some people just don't see anything else, they allow themselves to continue to hurt and try to make something once again that is just no longer there. I feel sorry for those people. I know, I was one of them myself. I know how hard it gets, sometimes you can be doing nothing and something random will trigger a memory and for a moment you feel sad, but you can't let that get to you, you've worked too hard to get where you are to let old feelings get in the way of your progress. Eventually you know you have completely forgotten them and moved on when you don't even remember how you used to feel, that, is very hard though, but I believe possible. Haha. Nothing should matter more than the moments you are living right now.

Wow that turned out a lot longer than I thought, being that, I want to touch on one more subject and will call it a night.

I know a lot of people who have siblings and some who just have that awesome relationship with one of their siblings for whatever reasons. I want to touch on the relationship I've had with my brother and what makes us so close. I'm talking about my brother Albert, good thing he doesn't read my blog, I don't want him to think he is special or something, haha, he is just another douche, but I heart the guy. We have been through a lot together and for the most part understand each other. Our personalities are so much alike and sometimes I can't help but just be on his side of things because we think alike [for the most part, of course there are many things we will disagree on]. We hate drama, we don't let petty things get to us, we are very go with the flow, can't really stay mad at anything for too long. We love to joke around and what not. I am talking about all this because sometimes I wish other people were like this as well Well, he has his ways, he can be very stubborn and hard headed, but for the most part how I described him is pretty good. We did so much together growing up and he was always there for me. I never really could make it without him and unfortunately at around the time I was 12 and he was 11 my mom moved him with his father, I don't even know how I survived without him. I didn't have my partner in crime anymore. I didn't have my buddy to do everything we did together. Sneaking out at six am to ride our bikes before our mom woke up. Setting fields on fire as I watched then ran away with him and his friends, then lie to my mom about where we had been. Sneaking out at night on the weekends to play with all our friends. I guess sadly, it goes to me not having anyone else as close to me as he was. He was always there to back me up and help me out, till this day it continues, I'm so close with him because we spent our lives building a pretty solid relationship. One in which I can't even find anywhere else. If I didn't have him around I think my childhood would have sucked that much more... I'm grateful everyday for a brother as great as him and for the wonderful niece and nephew he gave me, I would literally lose it if I didn't have them around. Oh yeah, Lady, you're cool too...lmao

Okay, Okay, one last thing!!! I just remembered...

Sometimes people seriously need to let go of some of their pride and get over things, stop holding on so much or always expecting to be right and get angry when you're not. Sometimes you just have to realize that the world is a crazy place, shit happens all the time. Who are we to try and control it. It's stupid to get mad or bitch about things so much, which I know many many people who are like this. They try so hard to keep up walls, even when sometimes they are not needed, it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to let yourself fall. It's all part of the learning experience. Stop worrying about your image and trying to seem like this tough being or whatever and realize you're going to end up very lonely if all you can do is throw everything in someones face. Sometimes its better to just let some things go and be happy. It would suck big time if I knew I was upset all the time and just not in a good mood, can you imagine? Too much wasted energy, life is just too short. Build happy memories, not ones where you're going to look back and think, "fuck I was always so miserable."

"The things that one most wants to do are the things that are probably most worth doing."

Just shut the fuck up already.

2010-07-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm usually the nice guy, or, well girl, anyway I always respect everyone the best I can, I hold my tongue on a lot of things, because I would rather just avoid conflict than make anyone upset. I don't like confrontation at all. I'm too passive at times, but I honestly don't have a problem with that. But when you push me too far, thats it, i'll change so quick and not that I want to be a dick to anyone, but I can't stand when someone gets up set for silly reasons. I can't stand when someone does something and thinks it's "alright", but when someone else does they throw the biggest fit ever. Grow the fuck up seriously, let some of your pride go and just learn to let shit go. I can't stand it either when things are blown out of proportion, or made into something bigger than needed, it just pisses me off. Like I can let this go too, but it just pisses me off how some people are. It's like get over yourself, you aren't perfect, don't expect anyone else to be either. Have some common sense fuck face. Ugh! I repeatedly let you hurt my feelings cause it's petty shit, I never say anything when I know you're being an asshole to me, cause I know I can take it. But this time it's just ridiculous, get the fuck over yourself. Please. You are always nose deep into everyones shit, start worrying about your own shit before you think you can tell someone else what the fuck is up. I'm not perfect, never will be, but i know whats what. Fuck you.

Yes I will get over this, cause it's all fucking stupid. I'm just really pissed right now.

"God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight."

Only a thought.

2010-07-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

It's insufficient to feel so full of doubt. It's common to feel so full of shit. Our eyes blinded by many inconsistencies, our souls filled with rage, rage pointed in all the wrong places. Pointless meanings mean nothing, head underwater and everything becomes so clear. Like spinning lights much becomes a blur so fast. Lose your sense of gravity as your face hits the floor, don't even blink. The second you let go, i'll runaway forever. What's left in this land but another failure, maybe down another bottle to realize you've hit rock...well, you get it. Sad sight when you know you're falling and theres no try in stopping. When will be the defining moment when you say, "fuck it"? When you realize it's time. Changing the world one second at a time, when will be your second?...Better yet, when will I start mine? Something I keep asking myself...

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."

Truth.

2010-07-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when we are SO sure of something, we believe it with every inch of our being, we just know in our hearts, that indescribable feeling. Even though sometimes it does not carry out the way you felt, we can still move forward and look for a new beginning. No matter how much it hurts, trust that it will subside, we will, once again, be happy. Even if it means taking the alternate route our hearts desired.

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do."

Dreamin' a Revelry.

2010-07-15T02:37:00.000-07:00

There is TONS on my mind and I don't even know where to start my blog tonight. IF I even write so much. I am just a wreck. I don't know where to begin to end. It's so crazy up there, but i'm starting to feel like i'm so screwed anyway that I shouldn't even care right now. Anyhow, lets hope for the best. That's all I really can do. Hoping to get to talk to someone real soon, someone pretty special ;]

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

To live, would be an awfully big adventure.

2010-07-10T00:50:00.000-07:00

"I am an individual, however I can't define myself as one emotion, I'm versatile, I have many sides, and maybe not everyone gets to see them all, because I have my own "theory" of keeping atleast 40% to myself. Believe it or not, i can be very quiet and to myself, and I really enjoy those moments the most, because I get the opportunity to think and reflect, and that is because I am such a "deep thinker". With that said, I have many sides... I'm emotional, temperamental, happy, humorous, oversensitive, timid, defensive, sexual, and even unpredicatable, I am a naked woman, that IS vulnerable. We all have insecurities, more or less than others, but we all have them. A side of me, that i truly love, where I do feel completely free and most comfortable and beautiful, is within "my sexuality", where I like to be playful and be naughty. For whatever reason, a womans sexuality is often scrutinized. She's criticized and labeled for it, which I feel that "we are" made to believe that we should be frowned upon, and ashamed of ourselves. It's one thing to have men feel that they have over powered us, and that we are belittled, and we should keep our opinions and expressions to ourselves. However, I find it more offensive and degrading, when your own "kind" as sisters, as women, agree as well, that women should represent themselves in "one way", which I totally disagree, and I could never feed into that. It's not that im being rebellious or "going against the grain", I just stick strongly behind my freedom as a woman, and I always will. I'm sure after reading this, and seeing my "self expression photo album" people will probably label me from a freak to a feminist, but take it or leave it, I'm just me." -Tina Serrano.

My blog tonight will try to follow in her footsteps, adding my own opinion as well as commenting on hers. Tina, these flow of words were beautifully written by you and really caught my eye because I never took you for the passionate deep thinker type, this post showed me otherwise. I am glad we can share a connection in that sense. I as well as you am many things, no doubt about that, maybe more insecure than most, yet confident in my heart and my knowledge of following it. I agree that a woman should be free and express herself, more or less women have been doing so. Yes, they are still under scrutiny but not as before. However, I feel that sometimes as opposed to men, it's just not a womans place to talk about her sexuality or express the intimate things she does. Unlike a man who does this very freely. It is said that we as women have a reputation to keep, do we not? Maybe i'm just old fashioned, but I do believe these things are better left in privacy, of course shared when wanted, just not put on blast. I don't believe we are frowned upon or put out to made to feel belittled, however, I do understand there are still some people who feel the need for all of this. I think women are powerful beings, and we have definitely showed the world what we are made of in many ways, that goes without a doubt. We have came so far. So, no, I don't think its about us feeling insignificant, we ARE free. I've heard a lot of women say they like to have control in their everyday life, but when it comes to sexuality and being intimate, some do tend to like to be submissive. Letting the man initiate the first move in every sense, take control. Letting him be dominant in bed, yet not making her feel like she is being used. This is not including women who also like to be dominant in their sexual lives, obviously. I feel woman who do like submission in that sense are still powerful, still have control, still have their freedom and they know exactly how to handle it all. When it comes down to feeling like we are being scrutinized or belittled or whatever else, think about it, who's really doing it all? Men who want all control, men who are pigs and think they are king of all, men who don't respect women. It's the man in him, unfortunately he IS a man, seen as a protector, guardian, provider, etc. Not that a woman can't be all these things, and I am definitely not taking the guys side here, but when it comes down to it, who do women turn to when something is wrong? Unfortunately this card goes to the man, it's natural. However, this has the guy's heads in that mode only. Most guys have changed and have come to learn to respect a woman in every way possible, even her freedom to express herself in every way. Whereas, some men still think like they are cave men. It's wrong yes, but that is our world, there is no way around it. Every woman, man, child is different, kudos to those who know how to respect womens as well as mens personal choices and freedoms. So, I say to you Tina: MORE POWER TO YOU! haha, seriously, I am glad you feel so strongly about something and about your beliefs, If it matters to you, it matters to me. I just wanted to share my side as well. Please, please, please, do not take this post as me saying I only believe that men can do things or be in charge or be able to protect, provide, etc. This is NOT what I am saying, I am merely speaking out of my general opinion on the world as a whole. What I see around me from people. I know that women are as fully capable as men in many aspects. I would never for a second put a woman down in any way. I do see us as all equals. If I got more into this I'd be writing all night, so for now I will leave it here and end my thoughts now. =]

"It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody see's but you."

On the way home, this car hears my confessions, i think tonight ill take the long way...

2010-07-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

It's funny you know...What is? I'm sure you're asking by now...It's funny how we sometimes look at ourselves and think man i'm so fucked up, or shit, everything is so amazing right now, how could it possibly get any better? But who are we really? Who are we to say to ourselves we are this or that way? Is it true or are we really lying to ourselves? At the end of the day can you really ask yourself, "is there anything I regret not doing today?" and honestly give yourself an answer that won't make you feel bad? We're all dishonest people, we are and I can't name one person that I know who is perfect in any sense. We tell ourselves we will be better or if on the negative side that this will be the day we finish it. I guess sometimes a high can be killed and a downer can be brought back up? In any sense, I guess my point in all this is that at the end of the day can we truly look at ourselves and say we've been doing everything we can to be as good as we really should be, that "perfect" person in a not so perfect way...? I look at myself everyday and ask, "why?" I ask this because I am so unlike anyone else [no my head isn't in the clouds either] that I often wonder how I can be so "perfect" in a not so perfect way [this is only my opinion lol don't start hate comments saying I said i'm perfect, re read that shizz! lol, i know i'm not perfect though, far from it.], yet so fucked up at the same time. I love how I am, but at the same time often wish I was just like others. I've lead such a fucked up life at this point, it feels like I am just getting started and it sucks a lot. I can't even stress this enough. Sometimes it gets so hard that I want to give up on everything, but I know that I can't, I have to keep going, otherwise everything I've said and believed in would be a lie, go to waste, become meaningless to others...I can't let that happen, for I care way too much to let that happen. I get mad and i'm not the closest with my family, besides my niece and nephew [they show me so much love is ridiculous], but that does not mean I don't love and I would do anything to protect them if they were ever in trouble. I guess at the end of the day I am not fully happy with myself or my life at the moment, however, I know things will eventually get better if I keep working at it. That's all I CAN do for the moment, if I give up, well, I might as well cease to exist right?

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

Kids strung out on home made speed.

2010-07-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

People always surprise me. It's funny because in some way even though you think you know a person, it COULD turn out that you really don't. I guess it's all in what you want to believe and how much you really trust a person. People amaze me, the way they say they are and the way they really are. It is a never ending battle with people because sometimes it's hard to find the right ones to trust, especially if you've been let down so many times. You have to find it in you not to take out everyone else's mistakes on others. That itself can be a harsh deal. At the same time, were human, we make mistakes and can never be perfect.

Ideally we all want to be the perfect person. But there is so much attention to the people we are. Why? It's the basis of all relationships, we need to know who we are dealing with, paying attention to little details, observing how one acts in front of different crowds, it's generally something everyone worries about. They say you don't really know a person untill you get inside their head, how vulnerable do you have to be to be taken seriously? I suppose it really does come down to what you want to believe, the actions as well as the words, then you really know what you're dealing with. It makes sense, at least to me it does.

"If you hope for nothing, you will get nothing."

If I only could make a deal with God & get him to swap our places. Be running up that road, be running up that hill...

2010-07-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

People never seem to surprise me...maybe just a little actually. I don't know though, I'm used to it though, fuck it.

In need of a constant.

2010-06-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

What is constant anymore? Having a girlfriend or boyfriend for more than a year? Sticking with a job a few months before getting tired and quitting? What?! I'm stressing this because looking at the world around me, nothing...NOTHING is as it seems anymore. It seems like no one is in need of a constant, however, even though it seems that way, I know it is not true. Many if not everyone wants a constant, whether it be from love, life, family, work, school, determination, etc. etc. What we fail to realize is we put ourselves out of constants, we give up, we lose hope, we stop caring...Is this really what we want? I highly doubt it. Husbands cheating on wifes and vise versa, what happened to real love people? If you want out then get out, but don't be rude and cheat, and thats not even rude, thats just wrong. Have the BALLS or the vagina to fucking speak up and not hurt the person you claim to love, give them the respect to at least be up front with them...What is it with people cheating to get ahead in life, credit card scams, fraud, identity theft, come on people, as if we didn't have enough hate and problems in the world that we need to cheat our way in life, live up to your own shit and take care of your own life, don't steal from others who probably worked really hard for what they have, and here comes these people just taking it all away...and for what?! Some cheap thrills, come on, that's not right at all. When did people decide that they wanted to be so wrong? Anyway it just surprises me how some people have no shame. But thats them, if they want to live with no shame and no heart then so be it, but when it's time to face up to all this what will they say?! They didn't mean it, they're sorry? Ha, it's too late my friend. But these people I mean I talk in the sense that they don't want to or never will change. Anyway I am all over the place right now. Let me direct the topic back to love because thats just where I want to go haha. Love should always be a constant, I understand people fall out of love, or things just don't work out, it happens, life happens right...? I want to believe in love so much right now, because love above many other things should be the most constant, they say if nothing else love will carry you through, thats not necessarily true you know, it won't pay the bills or what have you. But, emotionally, physically, it should be it. It's amazing what a constant love can do for a person.

For myself at this point in time I have no constant in love, it has been a while actually and frankly I'm tired of not having it. I want it, it's complicated and I'm not the easiest person, but I believe there are people out there who want to be with me as much as me to them. Heh, hmm I like constants in that sense. I have problems just like everyone else, but I want to live my life without regrets as I've said in past posts. I think I am just ready to let go and see myself through. Whatever that means, I want a constant. Not only in love, but every aspect, but not to the point where it feels like I am not truly living, my life will always be crazy, that I cannot get away from. I don't want everything to be the same all the time, but I would like to know that I can be secure in my times of spontaneity. I want to be content in my life and be happy. My whole life as been filled with chaos and for once before my life is over, I want to put some of myself in it. I want to experience things, etc. If you know me, you know I kind of got a late start on my life, for many reasons...One being because of my childhood but lets not go back to that, I think I've talked about it too much before. I am probably not making sense, but oh well hahaha. It's my post, it made sense to me in my fucked up head! Haha...

"The only thing constant in life is change."

Perfect day to a perfect night.

2010-06-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

Does the perfect day and night really exist? Does it? I was thinking about this all day, what would be a perfect day and night for me? [awesome topic idea goes to chris ;]

I get up super early to catch the sunrise, afterwards meet up with some friends, maybe some family, and have a good time with some drinking [alcoholic or non lol], fooding, laughing, just having a great time. Maybe take an adventure somewhere, a long car ride with someone, with no real direction. Hiking times maybe? Hhmm that would be great. Afterward going into the night, what would be perfect, hitting up a couple shows with friends, drinking would be nice haha...to me this WOULD be a perfect day, sounds fun, lots of things to do with friends/loved ones...But heres the reality and what separates what I just wrote to what I really mean and really expect would happen...I'd spend all day doing "nothing" special. I'd want to have someone with me, someone's company I enjoy and just watch movies or whatever. I have no real sense of a perfect day or night, to me the greatest times are just when i'm in the company of someone or anyone I enjoy. && in that sense perfection isn't something I would want anyway. i'm the type that it doesn't take much to impress me or whatever to have a good time, i'm very simple, very, and the smallest things mean the most to me.

I know this post didn't really say much but that's what it is haha. We all have that dream of what makes a perfect day, but the reality is that nothing is ever perfect and all we could ever hope for is just to be happy...

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”

With all the things that I forgot to say racing through my mind.

2010-06-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

My title came from a city and colour [dallas green] song called body in a box. which brought up tonights blog, so here goes nothing.

Where do I want to be at before my death and what I would like to happen after my death? I guess I would hope to have lead a happy life, whether that be rich, poor, or anywhere in the middle, however, I am not concentrating on money right now. Before I die I hope to have achieved my purpose in life, everything I wanted to do in terms of being happy and the way I envisioned myself leading some sort of adventure, hopefully that makes sense. I wouldn't want any bad blood with anyone. I would hope that before I passed I got to see amazing places with people I love and adore the most in life. I would want to live out my life with no regrets and just know that I took chances, made mistakes and learned from them. I don't want to have to ask myself "what if" or anything of such after I have lived my life, I want to be old and be able to say, "let me tell you about the time I..." Those moments will define my life, my happiness will define my life, and every step along with way will help determine the next. Of course all this I say in terms of what I WANT to happen, I'm hoping it actually will, one can only hope, and what would we have if we didn't have hope? Not a whole lot I'd tell you that. Hope keeps us going, but this post isn't about hope. All I can really hope for in my life is that I lead a somewhat decent and humble one, one without regrets and one filled what more love than I could possibly handle. I just want to be happy, and at the very least content in that happiness.

After I pass I wouldn't want people to be sad, I would want them to go on living of course. As far as how I would want to die, probably like most people, a painless one. Very old and in my sleep. But, however God chooses to take me is how I will go. In some way would want to be buried six feet under, for the simple fact that my loved ones would have a place to go and visit me and I would hope that I am loved enough to get semi-regular visitors to talk to me. Remember me and at times miss me because I meant a great deal to them. However, I would also want to be made into ashes and spread across some piece of land. Sort of like being set free.

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."

For lack of a better title.

2010-06-28T00:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had many topics I could have written about, instead, I turned toward myself. I have decided I wanted to get some shit off my chest for myself, to own up to things I haven't really wanted to in the past, but i'm here now so i'm just going to go for it...I'm scared a lot of the time, sometimes for no reason at all. Why you ask? Because I was traumatized as a child and now as an adult I just don't function right. I have a level head, common sense, a humble heart, addicting personality [lol], and always willing to help others when they can't help themselves, I can at least give myself all that, but none of that makes me a great person. Again, you may be asking yourself, why don't you think this doesn't make you great or in the least good...?...Because none of this matters, none of this truly matters to any of you people. You can say all you want that it does matter and how if you know me you know i'm a good person, but at the end of the day, it only matters to me. Why? [why am I always asking why? lol jk, but seriously...] because everything of what I do should matter to me, with me being scared and being afraid of facing myself and sometimes the world around me, it terrifies me to know i am where I am at this point in life. I guess in a sense I am afraid to see how great I can become. I'm afraid of failure, of what others think of me even when I shouldn't. I hold myself back because of what I've been through. I see it, I want it, I feel it, but no one truly knows what it's like, they don't, I couldn't expect them too, we all think differently and carry many different perspectives, they don't know what it's like to feel exactly what I feel. I'm not sitting here trying to make excuses or reasons to why I am how I am, if anything I am simply stating the obvious, or maybe not so obvious to myself. I want greatness, I really do, don't get me wrong, it's just, sometimes the mind can be a powerful tool. I need change, I want it, I welcome it. I guess in the end it's up to me to begin that change. Hopefully at this point for whoever is reading this post, isn't like wtf are you talking about?! haha.

Again, going back to my childhood, it wasn't great, but had I not lived it, I highly doubt i'd be who I am today. it in itself has taught me so much about the world around me. I think it's time for me to let that all go, but surely never forget. I need to move on, I've told myself this many times before, but I think now its really time. I've picked up so much and I think its time I stopped being so afraid of whatever it is I've been so afraid of and just become what God knows I can become. I can't live in fear anymore. Life isn't going to stop for me and I would never expect it to. I want to start making the most of my time. I have to promise myself, here and now. We will see, time will tell and my life can't lie.

"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."

I could really use a wish right now...

2010-06-26T01:12:00.000-07:00

We all could use wishes, we could all use a lot of things. But are wishes really what we think? Is it worth it to just receive something by wishing for it? Isn't life all about working for everything you've got? I'm sure all you rich people are like, "yeah maybe for you poor people". Haha, no but seriously, I think as a person [rich or poor or anywhere in between] anything that is achieved by working for it is much more appreciated than something just being handed to us, yes it's nice, but it would be nicer [at least in my opinion] if you felt that joy of knowing you worked hard to gain what you have. It feels that much better...IDK, maybe I'm just full of shit haha, but seriously, sometimes even though us poor people know what its like to work for every little thing we have, it's that much nicer to feel that sense of enjoyment, the building up to get what we wanted, the anticipation. I guess thats all I really have to say...This just came to me as I was sitting here online.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I'm Tired...

2010-06-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

Just tired...this reminds me of who I am and if I truly need change? Sometimes I say no, sometimes yes. But when I stop and remember who it is I really am, I have no real worries or doubts or regrets about myself. Life is about getting through it with confidence and even though sometimes we are faced with walls, we live to see that it was all meant to happen. It was all meant to challenge us to see how far we could go without giving up and when you ask yourself after your life if you ever gave up, if you can answer yourself without a doubt no, I guess thats winning...

It's all luck/coincidence/fate...or is it?

2010-06-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

What does all this mean? ... Well, I know what they mean... I just meant, really? Is life really all about luck, coincidence, or fate? Sometimes I'd like to believe so, I guess it could be all three, or none at all. I guess it all depends on what you believe. For myself I'd like to believe that not everything is about luck, people can get lucky yes, but I don't actually believe in luck to a point where I'm left saying, "oh man, that was pure luck!" even in places where you gamble, honestly, I don't believe you win off of luck, its all about being at the right machine at the right time, those things are made to take you up and then make you lose, and every couple dozen people will actually win. Even playing the right hand, I'm sure any poker player at a table will have his share of "luck", but, at the same time I'm sure they will more than likely say they played their hand smart or knew how to bluff their way through, being that as it may, you can say or think what you'd like. Luck is nothing more than something being a coincidence. Coincidence is just an off chance you didn't expect and in the same sense maybe its the same as luck? I hate how people say "oh what a coincidence I see you here!" its like, yeah big surprise that I might actually be at a grocery store shopping for food, cause I live off of my filth. People have busy lives, they don't always pay attention to who they know and might see out while they're running errands in their everyday life. No one cares to see someone else out of school/work/whatever, big surprise, yes we all have lives. Coincidence is logical, of course at one point or another you will end up finding something you had been looking for, but not in the place you ignored before, or finally seeing someone you know, but never seeing them outside of work or school or wherever. Now, we end up at fate. Fate I guess to a point I believe in the most. Fate is meant to happen, fate is inevitable. If it's meant to happen it will...I believe with fate, you can also follow it with hope and faith, only because even though something is meant to happen or if its fate, doesn't mean a person always believes it or expects it, however, if they never lose hope and allow faith to carry them through they will see that things can happen and not all is lost. Never give up, never lose hope, never lose faith, without these things, what more would we have? What else could carry us? We strive for the best, sometimes we don't always get the best, but going for it will get us a long way in the end. This is just me and my opinions, they are neither right nor wrong. What do you make of it all?

"What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."

What does it mean to be "rich"? and in the same sense, "poor"?

2010-06-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, a LOT...Growing up "poor" wasn't always the greatest, or always the best for me personally, however, there were moments I had with my brother[s] where I felt the richest. I was poor in the sense that my mother worked paycheck to paycheck and could hardly afford to buy me and my siblings basically anything. We ate top ramen and bologna sandwiches day in and day out. It was the biggest treat if we got any kind of meat to eat like steak or hamburgers. We had hand-me-down clothes, shoes, toys, basically everything. We never once complained or cried over anything we received, instead, we appreciated everything we got and never questioned our mother on why we could never have new things besides once a year for the new school year and even then it was only one pair of shoes and one or two pairs of clothes. I believe we felt rich because the moments when we were able to get away from the cleaning, laundry, and any other chores our mother had us do were the moments we felt alive, literally. My brother and I were wild, crazy, and often times rambunctious kids. We LOVED being outside, we loved getting dirty, exploring, and just experiencing the world, we really had no care in the world when we were out! We had the most amazing times, and those are the moments I cherish the most about my childhood. We may have been poor in money, but we were rich in memories and to me thats all that matters. Even though I tend to look back and hate my childhood for being robbed of so much of it, there are those moments I can remember that also make me glad I experienced what I did, had it been any different, I wouldn't have done and seen all I did, good and bad...

Forward years later, I'm an adult, so what do I think of all of this rich and poor stuff now. In a sense I still am poor, I don't have money flowing in or anything that that, I don't have the fanciest clothes or anything I want to show off. But, I'm not poor where I'm on the streets or anything. Even if I was rich, I know money couldn't give me what I truly want, it can't give me friendship or an ear to listen to or even a shoulder to cry on, not even a joyous jump at something exciting. If I was rich I would want to spend it all on my family and friends, having good times, blowing it all on good, fun things to enjoy with them. If I had a lot of materials I wouldn't be happy unless I got to share them with loved ones. Greedy, selfish, ignorant people are the real poor people. They lack the richness in life, which is being happy, giving to others, loving your family and friends, and not being truly happy. So yeah I'd rather be poor and happy, than have everything in the world and be miserable, yeah it's said a lot, but I really mean it. Screw it.

"There are people so poor that the only thing they have is money."

Hello, I'm in Delaware.

2010-06-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

Listening to City and Colour.

We have to keep kicking...No matter what we can't give up. Sometimes we break though. When is enough really enough? When is it time to really tap out and say: "okay you broke me! is this what you wanted?!" I guess we hold on for as long as we can and when that time comes we we truly feel we must let go and let the pieces fall where they may, maybe thats exactly what needs to be done. They say everything happens for a reason correct? I'm assuming this is pretty true. We cannot always explain what those reasons are and other times they are clear as day. I don't know, I guess my point in this post is that sometimes, even though we know we should keep going and never give up and feel defeated, there are just those occasions where we know we have had our limit and all we can do is tap out and take the loss. Live and learn from our mistakes right? Grow and learn from it. Our lives are laid out with constant endeavors, but all we can do is keep living, keep moving, keep kicking...Even if it means tapping out of one thing and into the next. Our journey through life is never ending.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

Realize

2010-06-02T03:32:00.000-07:00

I wrote a similar post not that long ago, but I wanted to do it again, but this time specify it on love, and use myself as an example...Going through some emails, I realized many, many things. First big one was that me being in love, made me into the biggest pussy, annoying, whiny, blinded by everything else kind of fool! However, don't get me wrong, I am not bashing on love in any way, I'm just saying sometimes when things are clearly over, don't try to drag it on and beg for your partner to take you back, when clearly they've moved on. So anyway I was going through these emails and let me tell you people, reading these again after so long, mad me upset. Why? you ask, because I felt embarrassed for myself. It was really sad. I was in a place where nothing mattered to me and I was clearly doing anything to get my ex back. Sadly I looked like a fool. I kept saying things like "I love you, I miss you, and I want you back" and that more than anything made me feel sorry for myself, I was not even loving myself at the time, so why would I care so much to tell my ex these things? Obviously I was single for a reason right? I was using my ex as a crutch, I was, I didn't want to believe it but i was. because i felt that i couldn't live without this person, i was sorely mistaken. But i was caught up and looking back on a lot of the shit i said, i just kept thinking, "what the fuck was i thinking!" i seemed so foolish!!!! but thats what happens when youre in love right?! I will say this tho, i WAS in love and i always meant it, even if i was a fool saying it for so long even afterward when i shouldn't have. i guess that was my mistake, was falling soooo hard, and feeling like i never wanted to give up even when i knew i had to. anyway back to the point. i was really immature, and im seeing that now, it was dumb, the things i said, the shit i did, it was uncalled for. but i guess people tend to do shit like that when they're in love, or at least perceive to be. So what i keep asking myself is was that really the one? i can say yes over and over, and still try to convince myself it was, but fact of the matter is its over, it has been for a long while, and since the last year passing ive realized that to the fullest. its still hard for me i wont even lie. but im just afraid of being hurt again. i know im ready again, but it cant just be anyone, i want all those feelings again, i have to feel like i want to really want to be with the person enough to give them everything i have, its only fair. so it may not have been the real one, or the one i was destined for even though i thought it was, but it definitely was a one, it was an experience, and a part of my journey in life, and i dont regret it for a second, even if i did come to realize that i was a big fool towards the end, at least i can really own up to it now. i guess another thing i saw was that no matter how much you want to set in stone that something is so real, and pure...the truth is you just dont know, you cant know, nothing is ever promised, no matter how many pinky swears you go through. LIFE HAPPENS. you just gotta keep rollin' with the punches. Everything thats meant to happen will happen.

"Intellectual grown should commence at birth and cease only at death."

I can't say I didn't try...

2010-06-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've tried, I really have. I gave you more than enough chances and everything, but ahh! nothing. It's okay though. I know what I have to do.

p.s. I am talking about myself here. none of you crazies think this is about you! haha

Princeskipper Skipple.

2010-05-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

I can't really say I will make sense in this post, or promise such things. I'm going to talk about things that happened today, things that were discussed between myself and a few others and just things that I want to touch on...So, first off I will start off by saying that no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, family comes first. The family you have in your life and the family who help you get by day by day or the family that tries to help, really deserves a hell of a lot more than most people would give them. People tend to sometimes (notices i say sometimes, dont jump on my case here) take family for granted, they dont realize at the end of the day, no matter what goes on, family will always be there for us, unconditional, pure love thats never forced. Thats what family is all about. So just remember that the next time you want to turn your back on your family for selfish reasons, your family are the ones who are willing to take you back after all your dumb bullshit moves. Friends come and go yes, but sometimes you will get that one or few friends that are actually worth a hell of a lot more than normal friends, so much so they are like your family, dont forget about that either. I guess my point is not to be so selfish and only think about yourself all the time, remember the people who matter the most in your life.

Being a success is all about what you consider to be a success and where you want to end up in life, and how bad you want to get there. its one thing to say, but another to actually do. everything we get in life depends on how bad we want it in the first place. its not enough to just want something from yourself in life, but to go after it at all costs. Just because we may feel like its taking too long or that we will never achieve doesnt mean it wont happen, eventually it will all pay off for you. As long as you are working towards something, and keep digging and digging, it will happen. Above all you have to believe in yourself, because if you stop believing in yourself, who else will believe in you? No one, because at the end of the day you have to believe in yourself, otherwise whats the point? We cant allow others nonsense get to us, or let anyone tell us we can't do something, their words are bullshit, period. What they say and their opinion on your success has NOTHING to do with you achieving or not, its all on you. If you're hungry for it, you will go for it no matter what & wont let anything stop you, not even for a second.

"Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope."

Enough is Enough.

2010-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

I hate when a person in singled out from the beginning. When they walk into something and don't even realize they have no chance of making it, because the other people already there won't give them that chance, that inch, that tiny step. Them, well, you rather, are a walking bomb and any little thing you do, you're going to get criticized for. You're not doing it right, or get blamed for getting help from someone when you were clearly watched as you did whatever it is they asked you to do, but still, they can't give you that acceptance. What gives them the right to treat someone with so much hate and resentment, they expect the world in just a few days, its bullshit. Where is the professionalism? No one should have to take such bullshit, its unfair. Anyone having the balls to do this, is seriously fucked up, shows how they are dying for that superiority when they should already know how to have it and handle it at the same time.

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be."

I felt free...

2010-05-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

so today feels pretty good. i hope it stays like this through the weekend. missing my babies, but its cool i know ill see them soon. i guess i dont have much to write about again, it suuux! but i have some good ones brewing in my head dont fret. also im hoping this weekend will be verrry good. anyway hmm im excited for summer! hope to do a lot of fun things! anyway hmm i guess thats it for now, shut up i know this post was boring oh well, its more for me than anyone else. bitches! haha bye.

"if all we have is nothing, then what are we afraid of losing?"

It takes a bigger person...

2010-05-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's not often we can, or even for that matter, will admit when we were wrong. There are times when we realize how stupid, dumb, idiotic, immature, and crazy we acted, or were at one time. It's usually funny to look back at these moments, but for some of us, maybe even embarrassing. You, of course, don't realize this untill after the fact, when it's too late to do anything about it, haha. You say to yourself: "crap, what was I thinking?!" or something along those lines, and you just feel stupid! I can admit when I feel really stupid, can't you guys? I guess the point of all this is it shows how you can grow and mature from things when you can realize the extent of your humiliation and realize how stupid you can be. But without any of this how much could we really grow? Hopefully some of this post makes some sense.

"“A great leader's courage to fulfill his vision comes from passion, not position.”

Pointless Title.

2010-05-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

i wanted to write. ive been sitting here for about an hour with no luck, the best i could do is just write about how unsuccessful i was at attempting to write something....=/

im just lost for topics right now, and my mind is filled with confusion at the moment i cant untangle enough to make sense. at least i tried though right...?

youtube the rest of the night, ftw!!! haha

Cause you're the only song I want to hear.

2010-05-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here listening to song on youtube. Currently death cab for cutie - soul meets body, next Karnivool - new day. anyway have a bunch on my mind as usual. went to see nightmare on elm st tonight, i must admit it wasnt half bad..I enjoyed it all the way around :) cant sleep either, so im just online, again, playing music, was filling out job applications, yes i am looking for a job currently. arg. hmm. lately ive been...well i dont want to say completely content, but somewhat content, i dont feel down or worthless, or anything negative, i mean i have my moments, dont we all? however, i just feel like i hit a wall again, haha if you know me you know what i mean. but im not worried, i know that everything happens for a reason and i should be patient. so im patiently impatient! haha. on a brighter note im going to see circa survive on the 4th!! omg im so excited, that and because ill be going with one of my best friends! should be tons of fun :) other than that i just wanted to blog, nothing specific tonight. just some thoughts. night.

"without hope...what else do we have?"

Could it be?!

2010-04-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Theres times when we feel so low not even the king of happiness could help, numb to every touch, voice, sight, taste, and smell, our senses become still. We are pushed down to our knees and don’t even bother trying to get up, we feel helpless and not sure we even deserve to get up. But, if we allow the goodness to come into our hearts and minds maybe we could begin to let the horribleness that has weighed us down begin to fade. Maybe our eyes can be freed from darkness, we can allow ourselves to be content for once, maybe even happy. It may seem far fetched, but you’re not the only one who wants to see you happy. We all want that unattainable happiness, we not only spend our lives seeking it, but sometimes we don’t realize we have it when we really do. I believe many things can lead to happiness, not just our unconceivable dreams and goals that sometimes seem just out of reach. We surround ourselves by loved ones because that itself makes us happy. Think about the last time you were really happy, was it because you were in great company, or because you got some materialistic thing…It could be both or the materialistic item, but really come on, at the end of the day would you rather have someone to talk to you someTHING to look at and be happy you got yet sad you have no one around to share it with…? Were never alone, and I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not the type to just let someone go unhappy. I like to be able to say or know that I’ve helped or brightened someones day in any fashion, it feels good. You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to. You don’t have to hurt or feel sad or upset because you feel no ones there. Theres always someone.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.”

2010-04-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

When you least expect it, it hits you! Least expect what? That’s the thing…anything! I guess the purpose of this post is to just say that sometimes we get so caught up in something we are blinded by everything else, every reason, thought, or gesture of anything else [in terms of maybe a love relationship or friendship, something like that where youre just not seeing the harm ur doing or what have you]. If, but hopefully when you step outside of all of that, like really really step outside and leave it all, you soon look back and will be able to say, “what the fuck was i thinking?!” haha. I know it sounds funny but its really true. & sadly it can make you feel very childish and immature. maybe even leading you to lose friends or whatever. but you can’t really help it sometimes youre so lost in yourself and whatever it is that you dont want to see anything else, untill you wise up and face the facts for what they really are. either way once you do it shows the change in you and how youre learning from it all, at least thats what i would like to think happens, i guess i can write from experience. anyway i guess thats it.

“Be brave, take risks, nothing can substitute experience.”

Uncommon

2010-04-09T16:19:00.001-07:00

It is not uncommon for a man to believe he is invincible. It is not uncommon for a man to think he is weak & inferior. It is not uncommon for a man to beg for forgiveness. It is not uncommon for a man to scream he is right at the top of his lungs as he throws his fist into the air. It is not uncommon for a man to have all the money in the world yet posses nothing of true value in his life. What would be uncommon would be to see a man [a person] struggle [even sometimes not] to live out his dreams, to pursue with every inch of his body his aspirations and goals to the end. Not simply give up and tap out of life because they are too old or because it is too late now. It would be uncommon to see a man fight for his family to the end rather than just walk away and begin another because he wasn't ready the first time around. It would be uncommon for a man to speak his true voice and be seen in a light that he is all afraid to be seen in. It is uncommon to truly be yourself in a world that strives on making you out to be just like everyone else. It is common to try to be yourself and actually just be like everyone else. It is uncommon to actually not try to be different, but to truly truly be true to yourself.

Oh, Hello.

2010-04-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

Alright, so lately I've been noticing some things & I guess I've grown to appreciate them. So much so that it has been very different lately, I don't feel so alone anymore. I am for the most part enjoying my time with new friends and growing to learn how to trust and understand I am not the only one who understands me anymore. I am saved and I would seriously lose it if it had not been for any of this. It is amazing and I hope for nothing but new & great things to come.

"Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another."

All good things must come to an end.

2010-03-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

So lately I've seen this pattern with things. Like the world is saying: "Alright have your fun and all, but soon something will happen that you won't like, that'll teach you to feel happy!" haha. But seriously it's felt that way and I'll give you a good example from today that happened, where I felt exactly like this...

Today my day went rather well. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I got up and went to classes, came home had a great lunch, took a nap, woke up & played guitar hero lol. After that went to Riverside and did some hiking with the boys, it was so awesome. The view was great. We went to the highest point we could find [which wasnt easy by the way, I am horribly out of shape! Shut up!] but we went up and standing on top of those rocks and looking over the view and the wind in our faces, it was great, it was like a moment of bliss. Great place to think, or to get your work out on, in any case I did both, haha. We want to go back and do it as much as we can. Anyway I know you're thinking what I was..How could this day possibly get worse, its been great! Walking to my car I notice a sign as I'm just looking around and it says no parking entire block, begins here. So, I look down and of course I am parked right ahead of this sign which I failed to see earlier when I parked, walking ahead a little more I already knew it! I got a ticket!! 43 dollhairs! dammit I say! so that killed my mood, well at least for a few minutes, I can barely afford to breath, now I have to pay this ticket too!! SHEESH! haha. oh well lesson learned, but yes, nothing good can stay, or as the movie states, nothing gold can stay. I've had other great days like this where something at the end just kills it, but what doesn't actually kill us makes us stronger right?! so yeah well that was my day.

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right."

p.s. if u want to see pics from today check them out here. i was too lazy to post pics on both blogs.

We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it.

2010-03-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

What is passion and why do we have it, why do we keep it?

Looked it up: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

What is passion really though, how do we connect with it? Is it something we think we are fascinated with and slowly let go of like an old bike or other external object we once loved and then kicked to the curb? Is passion something we desire and once we attain it, it would no longer be our desire to have it? Its like we look for passion and we indulge in it, but once we get it, it becomes old and we look for the next thing to blow our minds away. So why, why do we have something like passion, as well as other things like desire and want and love, which in a sense can all fall under the same category, but not exactly the same. Why do we throw passion away after we receive it? Or maybe I can ask why are we afraid to keep it? Why is it we are so concerned with what we don't have rather than what we do?! I am not writing this blog to answer my own questions at this point, I know what I feel inside and usually I would write out what I feel about this, but I don't want that for this particular blog, I guess I wanted to open your minds and maybe see how everyone else feels on the subject. I will, however, say this...When you are passionate about something, see it through till the end and never give up no matter what, even after you have attained what you seek, keep it lovingly, because without passion for something, what does it really mean to you? We do the things we love because they make us happy, be it riding a bike, being a parent, loving a friend or spouse, being a big brother/sister, helping someone, making a life for yourself you never thought possible, or even just appreciating your life and living it to the fullest and doing nothing. I wrote this blog with passion, even if it didn't make much sense...haha...

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of."

I've been dying to reach you.

2010-03-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted it to be this way I just had no clue it would come so fast. Spinning lights, fog away my worries, I know with the fast paced world aside me it'll be okay. I cannot quite grasp this meaning of uncertainty, but I think this undying voice inside my head will lead me to my eternity. I am lost in a sea of self delusions and unwanted fears of myself. If I cast along side thee ultimate high can I stay forever?

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”

Don't call me by my full name.

2010-03-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

i cant begin to image you without me, youve become everything you claimed you werent. i said this line over and over to myself, because it was true, it made me upset and kind of sad. you may not think its true, but after all the crap that went through my mind i found it pretty true. nothings ever what we expect.

I want to get out of this place, but where would i go, what would i do? i may not have it all down and i may not be exactly what you wanted, but i hope youre happy with the choices youve made, and i dont mean that in an asshole way, i truely mean it. if none of the things happened the way they did i wouldnt be where i am today, and i wouldnt see things the way i do now. im learning from every single thing, im learning that things go on even without you. im smiling even when i didnt think i had anything left to smile over, this wasnt the easiest thing to do so im pretty content with whats going on. its allowed me to further step outside of myself. i dont need to follow things step by step, im just having fun and living my life, letting everything fall into place. yeah i have my moments of weakness but it happens to the best of us. im starting to figure out that im not alone in this world and the more i allow myself to see this the more i learn that people arent such assholes after all and as long as you give some a chance you learn they can change you in ways you didnt think possible and that sometimes it just takes one to understand you and feel your pain and be ok with it, or in this case my own. maybe i wanna jump without looking sometimes. maybe i want to let go even tho im not sure what might happen, i just want to go!!! whatever that means.

p.s. HI RONZIE!

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."

Thats life though, you keep gambling till you hit the jackpot.

2010-03-07T00:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes its hard not because others keep you down, but because you keep yourself down...

!?

2010-02-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

Many times we find ourselves at crossroads in life, we struggle to fully understand what decision we should be making, what would be the best all the way around. What would be the best may sometimes have to be something we hate or dislike. Life is constantly on our shoulders holding us down, forcing us to make such decisions, I say there are only two decisions we will always have and one is concocted in our minds and the other in our hearts. At times we have to chose one over the other, its for the best we say, its better this way. Is our hearts wants truly whats best for us? Is it always right to go with what we feel is right over what we THINK is right?! I suppose its all on the person in question, I, however, am a fan of the heart and feeling what is right, we know it, why don't we just do it? We think we know whats better, whats in our mind its all planned out and figured out, but, is that really true?! I don't know I'll leave that for each person to decide on their own, but for me for now, ill continue to follow my heart...

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”

What's it all about?

2010-02-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't understand why we as people tent to go after something that is either, not meant to be or just over with, but we keep chasing it as it was the last meal on earth, as if we could not live without it. I say this in regards to whatever it may be, a person, object, maybe SOME goals or dreams we have, but thats loosely, obviously if our biggest goal is to be a fucking cereal box, well, thats just uncalled for tu sabes?! Ok so why do we do it? Why do we choose [this is in regards to a person] to chase someone that will continually hurt us, as if to say, they are the only person left that will love us or make us feel the way we have grown to love to feel. As someone who has been in this position before and dare I say may be again, cause well, I'm human, but I'll continue learning and questioning the wonders of life...I feel that even though we may go through this sort of experience, there should be a fine line between kind of figuring out and knowing when to just move on, stop trying to make something that is out of your hands come back into them, especially if you know this person is just no good for you, knowing they have already hurt you numerous times, just let it go, I'm sorry, yes it sucks, yes it hurts, but in the end you will find out that you can still go on and live your life just as you did before they were in it. As far as other objects and things i.e. material goods and money and all that bullshit, well... I have always known money and material goods always make people act funny, funny in the sense that they always want more. Money changes a person. We all end up wanting more and more to the point of no contentment. Yes money plays a role in who is your friend and what you can and can't do at times, however should it be that way? My answer is NO! This may not apply to every person/friendship/relationship, but in majority it plays a big role. If we could live in a world without money I would certainly go for that. Unfortunately that could never happen. Be content or at least try, you can have all the money in the world, but it's not going to make you happy forever, trust. I know I've written about this before but oh well, blow me.

Remember the people who mean the most to you, don't lose them, and don't let the ones who actually matter go unnoticed.

"Always standing when standing isn't easy."

2010-02-10T23:39:00.000-08:00

we all have to fall before we can appreciate standing again. to learn to appreciate and be grateful for everything you come in contact with. ill have some new stuff up shortly. have to get back into the swing of things, have had a lot on my plate lately. & school coming up. keep in touch.

you never hear the truth, you hear what you want.

2010-01-29T23:52:00.000-08:00

i hate when you talk to someone and they arent really listening to you, just hearing what they want, whenever they want. i swear you could be talking to them in front of their face and they just arent hearing it. not because they are ignoring you, but they are seriously so wrapped up in themselves or what they are doing or just dont care they wont hear you at all! but when you mention one word that grabs their attention they are all in the business! its like you have to slap them to get some sort of reaction! haha at least i would! or when someone has a mindset that they are always right and no matter what reasoning you give them it doesnt matter cause they just dont want to hear it, and they laugh off anything that you throw at them, or simply "pshhah" it! haha i hate that word! its annoying! but yeah. well yeah just wanted to share those two things. bahah

Don't question me while I'm questioning you!

2010-01-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

It's funny how you look back on a lot of things. How you changed, how you see things now as opposed to before. You remember how simple things used to be, how easier it was to just be a kid or teen, and run around with really no care at all. All the dumb things you did & how funny it was at the time, but when you think back its like, "shit I could have really gotten hurt!". I guess that's what its all about growing up, making mistakes and learning from them, having "innocent" fun and just running wild. Everything just seemed so easy and careless. Unless of course you were forced to grow up fast and miss out on a lot of what it means to be a child...*shrugs* it happens, but I won't touch that topic right now, maybe in another blog.

Have I talked about second chances yet? I can't remember so I want to touch on it for a minute...What do you think about it? Does a person deserve a second chance? & I'm not talking about petty things for second chances, not like oh he cheated on a test should he get a second chance? Ah [in the wise words of V] Suck it!! I'm talking about real life this person screwed me over second chances. Come on people wake up! Ok, seriously, let me put you in a scenario and you tell me what YOU would do!... Lets say you're living with someone and its all fine whatever, but after a while u find out they have a few problems, they drink too much, they bring random drugged up people home and are just overall fucking up, not even worth anything and then they start causing problems. Like not paying rent anymore, starting arguments, just your typical asshole. Lets say over time with all these problems arising, they end up getting into an argument and basically cussing out your significant other and basically kicking you out, choosing drugs and a life of shame over everything else. Do they deserve a second chance? Is it possible for a person to change their ways to such an extent that this can be forgiven? In my opinion no fuck them you know, why should anyone care so much to give a person like this a second chance? They didn't care to treat you like shit before, why should you care now? I know a lot of you might think this is pretty heartless, but screw that. I seriously can go on forever, but I don't want to be here all night...

Ok, last thing...I'm really tired of so much bullshit being on my mind lately, seriously it's just driving me crazy, but I'd say I'm pretty good at not letting it show. I don't want to feel anxious all the time, like I'm not doing anything right or that there's something that I should be doing and not actually doing it...idk what that is though! I'm just trying to get by right now, as in finish school and keep on living, I mean what else is there to do? Idk look at me however you want, I'm just tired of always being tired with myself, lately one of the big helps I've had getting away from all the shit in my head is because of my friend veronica, had I not met her, well lets just say I'm really glad I have her to talk to these days and hang out with, it's refreshing to have someone like her on my side. School starts soon, and I'm praying I go all in this semester and not drop one class, cause if I can it'll hopefully mean my last full semester before I can transfer and I will be soo happy about that, so lets just keep our fingers crossed.

"People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to."

Why is being nice so hard?

2010-01-13T23:28:00.000-08:00

Seriously, think about the last time you wanted to be nice to a sibling, but you couldn't do it. You just wanted to be an asshole instead, come on admit it, shit, I'll say it right now...Sometimes its hard for me to be nice, mostly with my siblings in particular. I don't know why this is though. Being an asshole is easy, I know a lot of you will agree with me, go head deny it, but in your head you know I'm right, even if it's just you being an asshole for a short period of time, or seldom ever. You're still an asshole so just admit it! Why does it take so much to be nice or want to be nice to someone, or do a good thing. Dropping a dollar or two into the donation thingy, come on, were like oh no way I'm poor myself, or something stupid along those lines...Hmm are you that poor? Are you starving for days at a time between meals? Are you shivering your ass off from lack of clothes or a warm place to live? Yeah, I didn't think so. So why? Are we so caught up with ourselves that we can't even do simple favors for friends anymore. Complaining to pick up a friend for band practice, being an asshole about it, bitching about how you have to pick up your friend, thats fucked up! Maybe in all that time you were bitching you could have just picked up your friend and had it done and out of the way. That, by the way, is a real example taken from one of my friends earlier.

Another example is one of my brothers, he is just an asshole all around. He only thinks about himself and could care less how good he could be to others. He acts as if it doesn't concern him then why should he care, why should he care to help someone else out, but expects the world to stop when he needs help. This I hate soooo much, not just from him but others like him. It's like we have enough hate and anger in the world already why keep it in our daily lives.

Relationships are another example, I hate how selfish some relationships can be. I cant even think of any damn examples but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. Even in people passing, people always say, "I wish I could have spent more time with them." or "I don't want him to die." These may seem like normal things to say, and they very well may be, but, for me it is just very selfish of someone to say. Wanting to keep them alive because YOU this and YOU that, we can't be so selfish and keep people when it is there time to pass, or leave, not even in death either, I'm talking now about in any situation. It is too much of a world of ME. I want a world of WE, it makes me sad that more people don't have the heart to care for anything really other than themselves. I won't lie I can be very selfish at times myself, and very much an asshole, but for the most part, I feel I have a good heart and if you know me personally I think you would see that. Lets stop being assholes.

"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living, the other helps you make a life."

ok ok ok

2010-01-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

Seriously, sometimes people confuse me.

I hope Ronzie is okay. I've been worried. I just want her to be alright again.

School soon again. I have to pick it up this semester, its pretty big.

Millions of thoughts in my head right now, don't know which way to go as of the moment.

Lately I've felt on edge, some people confuse me, again I say. As of the moment though, I am pretty content with my friends and such. I am mostly thinking about the things I need to get done. School is the biggest thing right now, basically this last semester I have, it's a lot, hopefully I can get through it I am going to do my best seriously, I just have to suck it up and get through it.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

and all thats left are ashes...

2010-01-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ex's can be a horrible cumbersome at times. Sometimes you get the ex's that are just mean and will do anything to make you feel like shit. Either way we have to learn to accept things and move on. While it is one of the hardest things to do, we never seem to have an abundance amount of strength to get through each day, its up and down, minute by minute, day by day. Some can get over something so big faster than others. We cry and we talk to friends as we seek comfort. The hardest part of breaking up is getting your shit back. So, what is it that you do with your ex's things when they don't want it back or you have it and you want to get rid of it? You don't want to see that shit around your room and have it randomly make you sad...

Last night Ronzie and I dealt with it in a not so uncommon way I'd say, we burned it...& seriously, it felt really good to let go of it all.

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

"Will your heart still race for me, or will it march to a new beat?"

2010-01-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Our minds are powerful tools. The mind can trick us and get many of us into certain situations better left untouched, as well as better situations. Most times we use basic common sense to make decisions, other times we are torn, we do not know which way to go or what to decide for the life of us. I'm tired of some instances where I let my mind win, even though I know my heart is in the right place, my mind gets a hold of me and possesses me in such a way that I am paralyzed, I let it win, take over and be still me. Stunned in my place I take the leave, not even turning back, yet cursing and hating myself the entire time for taking that exit, the easy way out. I'm not afraid, but when my mind gets a hold of me, it's as if I'm a five year old frozen in my place facing the two headed monster, which is really some good for nothing kid named bob in a play characters outfit trying to entertain me and other children. I envy those less frightened bastards, not because they have the courage to keep going and not let bob scare them, but because that leaves less of them by my side. Leaves me feeling alone and empty, I want to be running around too. Why can't I? what's holding me back, I'm free I know I can do it, I ask myself these questions when I don't muster up the courage to run with the others, or even on my own for that matter. I feel like moving my legs, but I don't, I can't, in my head I am running, sprinting, but the reality is when I look down, I am still in the same place. I am sick of this place, It will be the death of me trying to get away, I've spent my entire life doing this, it's very much like clockwork now, I want to break that cycle now. I don't know what the hell took me so long, I'm very weary of it now, it's past due at this point for me to be leaving this all behind me. What you ask, well if you know me, you may have a hint of what I am talking about, but if not...well, it's really just a battle within myself that you need not worry about really. It's like pushing boulders, yeah...

"Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy."

Wow.

2010-01-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight brought a couple things to mind that I will begin to share with you all here. First, I found out my niece wants to move back out here with us. Saying she needs to change, wants to change, and also wants structure. Hmm, that make me think, it made me think if she was being honest and truly wants to change for once. While she is still very young, it just makes me think how serious she is. Anyway enough of that...

I hate when a person tries to be so serious and no one takes them seriously, or see's what they are trying to do. It is one thing to hear a person, but a completely different thing to actually listen to them. Have the dignity to actually hear them out, listen to whats really going on and take some fucking courage to face up to whats happening. If you're doing something and you're in it for certain reasons, then nothing, NOTHING, should get in the way of that. No excuses, no whining, no bullshitting. If you're in it, be in it to win it. Don't let bullshit things get in the way, don't let anyone hinder your feelings, if people don't get you, let them go. Move on and find others who will be in it as much as you are if you have to. And if you're sticking around for all the wrong reasons, have the decency to leave, be practical, don't drag something on for longer than it has to be. Make changes you want to see happen. Everything thats meant to happen will happen. I feel none of us will truly make it where we want to be unless we know that we are in it for all the right reasons. That no matter what we will continue to push and give it all we have to get there. Even if it's alone.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go, of anything, we don't know how or where to start. At times it feels like the hardest thing we have to do. We know we have to, so why do we drag it on for so long? .....

"Are there any aminals in here?"

2010-01-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

So hmm I've been lacking in good blogs lately. There are some in my head, just gotta get them out, but not tonight, I have to let it simmer. Tomorrow I will come back and hopefully have something good.

Sometimes we have to do what we know we have to do but are to scared to actually do...Ronzie, you bitch! DO IT!

"Life is an incurable Disease."

2010, you decide.

2010-01-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

At times we all try to be the best person we can be. We do things and say things that we feel will help others, true or not, they help and sometimes they don't. A person can't expect someone else to always see eye to eye with them, we all have our own point of views on situations and different experiences and ideas from growing up, things we are accustomed to if you will. We don't expect anyone to know the feeling, sometimes others may have related experiences and some not. People deserve the best in my opinion, even if the best just means the simple things in life. No one ever deserves to be treated like shit or taken down any pegs, its wrong and anyone who does it, really, really has no heart or sense of compassion. Also, they most likely only care about themselves. I say this because at the same time the person on the receiving end of some of the madness is too blind to see that they shouldn't be with this person and they keep going back and forgiving them..It is not how it should be. However, "we can lead a horse to water, but we cant make it drink" I will stick to this analogy. Anyway this blog is all over, but I am just recording my thoughts as they make their way out of my head and onto this post.

I hope 2010 will truly be a new start for everyone who needs one. Stick with your decisions, and don't give up.

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."

Hmm...

2009-12-27T01:33:00.000-08:00

DELETED BAHAHA

Say goodbye to love and hold your head up high!

2009-12-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

I take for granted many of the simple things from day to day. No one stops anymore, not even for a second to realize what’s going on or appreciate little things. The world is so complicated these days and its moving non stop. What we forget is that the world never stops for us. The world doesn’t care what were going through, how were feeling, what we have to deal with, simple or hard, it just keeps going && we can’t stop it. So ultimately, we’re in this never ending battle with time. Everyone says “oh I don’t have time for this or that, there’s not enough time…etc etc.” We really do have all the time in the world, were just too busy to stop and see it. Work, School, family, personal relationships…It’s all so demanding sometimes && we can’t seem to get out of that cycle, its non stop! We all have lives, responsibilities; we don’t want to end up on the streets or anything like that. We need to take care of our selves, but we don’t have to forget our inner selves, who we are, where we came from, && especially the people most important in our lives. Having a career and a good life is also important to us, as well as the people we live with && share relationships with. Work, be successful, but don’t forget to stop every so often and take time for the other things in life. Beautiful sunsets, spending time with a loved one, even if its just watching a movie, going and hanging out with family, meeting up with an old friend, or even spending some alone time to relax, whatever it may be just remember life doesn’t always have to be the crazy cycle we make it into! I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a successful life, we all want to live comfortable, yet some of us are still figuring out who it is we want to be in life or what we want to do with it. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted out of life and where I wanted to go, but now that I know it’s a whole lot better. And I’m realizing that I am not getting any younger, and I should take advantage of my education. Which is what I am now doing, I’ve dedicated myself to school and gave up some things to focus on that. I know in the end it’ll be better and I’ll have a better life, which is what I want. Sometimes we have to give up a little in order to gain a lot more in the long run. The reason I bring this up is because I have felt like I have been taking things for granted and just losing myself and forgetting about why I’m doing what I’m doing! Anyway ahhh! Okay just remember that with this a new year is upon us, so lets all just work hard and do amazing things for ourselves, and never, ever, give up!

"With more power, comes more responsibility."

Merry Christmas...or Not...

2009-12-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

I know today is hard for a lot of people. For some of us, it may mean an anniversary of a loved one passing, or maybe we just have no family to spend it with and we are alone. I am sorry if this is the case, my sympathy goes out to you and I wish I could spend it with you. I lost my grandfather on Christmas day six years ago, I know the feeling of loss, especially on a day like today. My condolences go out to anyone who lost or has lost a loved one today.

My biggest condolences to my sister in law who I love so much. I'm so sorry about your loss Lady, I'm here for you, and I hope your grandfather rests in peace, he will be in my prayers.

December 25, 2009.

2009-12-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

wtf, its christmas! where did this year go? sooo many things happened, i cant even begin to tell you about my event filled year. things happened though, good things, great things, bad things, sad things...i sound like a fuckin dr. sues book! haha. ok but, anyway, lots of things went on i wont get into them this isnt what this blog is about.

have you ever set yourself up or have gotten too happy too fast, just to realize that you might be letting yourself down. and then when you do find out youre right it sucks because you know it was coming. idk i was just thinking about these things randomly. i dont want to go into details or give examples, i know anyone reading this can apply their own experiences.

a day to be thankful. are we thankful or do we just expect things. or something, anything, i think we do. i want to meet someone who isnt like this. someone who knows what its all about and not expect any material thing, not cause they dont want anything but because the possession of anything wouldnt mean as much as just being with loved ones and spending time together, real quality time together, which most of us dont do every day. at least we can once a year, sometimes its not enough. maybe im just rambling.

"Close your eyes and don't let them say its over."

2009-12-23T02:32:00.000-08:00

Many times we as a people, as a society, as...a world get caught up in ourselves, in work, school, love, hate, relationships, just anything. We get tied up and forget about different things...We lose sight of some of the things we were upset about or happy about or just distract us, maybe it's moments like these that we need, a good distraction. A good reason to forget why we are living and just live, not to worry about what's to come or what fears we have, but to just live in the moment and be happy, or at least content. I won't lie I'm a little afraid right now, because I don't know what to expect in things to come or even the new year, but at the same time I'm very excited as well. I am going to do a lot of things that I promised myself, slowly but surely I hope to get what I want done. This has truly got to be a new year for me, not just a new year because the calendar date is different. Anyway, for the the time being I am just going to focus on myself, I will let whatever is meant to happen, happen...Go with the flow if you will...

"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."

and in this moment i am happy...

2009-12-21T01:40:00.001-08:00

idk how else to feel right now, ive given up on love, however, these two lovely children allow me to feel love for them and them for me...this i know for sure.

and in the brightest of light, i will not fall.

2009-12-21T01:03:00.000-08:00

im going to dedicate this blog to my ex, i dont know if you read this or not. either way im doing it. for many reasons, the main one being i really need to just do it already and write down all the bull crap in my head in hopes it will lift some weight from my shoulders.

we had a long ride and at times id like to think it isnt really over, but i know it is. i am really shitty in many ways, ive been left to hurt and feel nothing but pain from everything that went on. you were right, its too soon, way too soon and in many instances the more i try to push my recovery to be faster the worse it becomes, so i wont be doing that anymore. i learned my lesson, i truly did. at times i hate you so much, so much that i feel if i ever saw you again id slap you right in your face for all the bullshit you allowed to go on and you know exactly what im talking about. however, i cant stay mad at the things i cannot control, or have no power over. i was here, i was always here till the very end. i was willing to give up everything for you and do whatever it took to make everything ok, to make everything work, no matter how bad it seemed, but in the end i guess that just wasnt good enough. you found someone 'better' and you went with it, it seemed like it didnt matter at all what feelings you had for me, you just brushed them aside and went with what was new and exciting, do you know how shitty that made me feel? how horrible it made you seem? love is very hard to come by and honestly, i gave you everything i had and more, i always said you werent ready for it or that no one could ever possibly love you as much as i did, sadly i still believe it. i hurt every day, and i dont want to admit it, but i still think about you every day, i hope that you are truly happy and that you are doing well for yourself, but i also hope that in some way you are suffering or at least did suffer the way i did, i know thats mean, but its what i think. ive gave up on so much since i lost you, i stopped caring, i gave up on love for the moment, i dont want it and i couldnt possibly think i would be in love again for a long time. my wounds are fresh and each day i am slowly recovering from them. i wish things could have played out differently, i wish we didnt break up, i wish a lot of things. sometimes i dont think you realize how much you hurt me, how broken i am right now. sadly enough if i had another chance id do it all over again because you meant everything to me, u were worth it. i feel like you are the one person who will always be my one person that no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. and i cant help but to have all this love for you. but at the same time i know thats really dumb of me to be saying, i know my feelings are still coming down off of your high. i hate you so much i cant express how much hate i have, but at the same time i dont know how to feel. if nothing else i just want my heartache to subside already, i know it takes time, and thats what im allowing, just for time to pass and let me move on. i know i did a lot of stupid shit after we broke up, all the trouble i might have caused or whatever, but it was what it was. but i think the saddest part is all that bullshit you pulled and you know exactly what i am talking about, i just wish you had the balls to at least speak for yourself. i think you at least owed me that. for now im just living my life moving on, slowly letting go of all that was me and you. i cant say anymore that i would like to be ur friend, because in a lot of ways i know that ship has sailed and im fine with that. i dont regret anything at all. i hope you have a good life, thats all i can wish you for now.

"I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now."

I've never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this...

2009-12-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

At times I think to myself, "what's really going on, why am I doing this?" I can't really answer myself...I just do it...I tend to act on impulse many of times. I don't know what anyone wants me to tell them because, I don't know, I don't even know what I want from myself at times. I'm just here and thats the best I can say for now. My mind tends to wander, where? I don't know, many places I suppose. I don't really keep track anymore, I just go with it. All I know is I'm living one day at a time, I am not planning ahead, nor do I think I want to, I am just letting life lead me, but trying to at least make some right choices for myself along the way. I know many of us never really know what were doing, all we can do is just be grateful for all we have, after all, were not dead and things can be a lot worse...

"In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love."

Sometimes...

2009-12-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

Life throws us curve balls that we are not really prepared for..but what can we do but keep going??

Angels say they can make you suffer, they give and take like a vicious lover.

2009-12-13T02:41:00.000-08:00

"To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach."

"Charging, I'm a Robot."

2009-12-12T01:45:00.000-08:00

Large: Do you lie a lot?

Sam: What do you consider a lot?

Large: Enough for people to call you a liar.

Sam: People call me lots of things.

Large: Is one of them liar?

Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?

Large: I guess I could choose to trust you.

Sam: You could do that?

Large: I could try...

Tonight was very interesting to say the least. I enjoyed it, but so many mixed emotions. At times people tend to forget or let go of thoughts in certain moments...I'm glad that didn't happen tonight.

"Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can."

I don't like to share.

2009-12-10T23:44:00.001-08:00

This is copying a little from my previous blog "where do you come from?" but this is my original writing on it. I would have put this to the other blog, but I just found this. This one is more accurate.

I come from a broken home with broken and selfish people. I come from a broken mother who finds it easier to lash out on her children than to own up to and admit her mistakes and responsibilities. I come from an alcoholic father whose life is seen through the countless number of empty beer bottles permanently glued to his hand. I come from a life that has kept me on my knees because I let it, because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I come from broken siblings who are so self involved they don't see the troubles that truly lie ahead. I come from a dark and broken past that can never be repaired. I come from a life of self doubt and skepticism, a life of pity and shame. I come from broken people and broken places. However, I also come from my own beliefs and inspirations. I learn from myself and my own hopes, dreams, & aspirations. My own drive to now become something more that I thought was beyond me. I come from an unhappy home & a broken family, but although it is broken, they help me see that I will not settle for less, I will not settle for a life of mediocrity. I will continue to try no matter what. I cannot fail unless I give up, and I don't plan on giving up. I came from different cities, living off of whatever my mother would get working her minimum wage. I grew up playing in the late hours of the night, because we had no real boundaries we would sneak out every chance we got. Setting fields on fire to breaking into empty apartments and running wild with friends is where I came from. I come from physical and emotional abuse that no one should have ever had to suffer through. I come from a shitty childhood that I am no longer letting hold me back. Everything that has happened in my life up until now was meant to happen and has shaped me into who I am today. I guess overall I am just thankful for all the blessings I have and my faith that keeps me going every day. My name is Annie and I come from a fractured soul that is being repaired one day at a time.

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

"You fein this love then turn it away."

2009-12-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to imagine your life any different than it is at any given moment. We all want it, we all crave for so much more than we already have. We guard ourselves so much that we forget to let go sometimes and let life take over as it may... Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in myself I forget to stop and look around for a bit just to see. I don't want to be one of the people who live their whole life, and feel they have nothing great or worthy enough to look back on and say it's been great, I wouldn't change a thing! Some feel they have lived their whole lives and still have to be so bitter, and sad thinking they have wasted their life, they forget about all the simple little moments. We can't forget about these moments, because really, these are the moments that get us through so much. For example, we get that call from someone, whoever it may be, telling us how great we did, or something along those lines. We spend a day with our niece's or nephew's and they run you tired at the end of the day, but you feel so great because you made them happy. Hanging with your friends comparing best embarrassing moments. Having someone bring you hot chocolate! It's the simple little moments that make life worth living. So don't be so down if you never save a life, win a national spelling bee, become head of your company, or even make millions of dollars. Life isn't about how much we attain, but more about the experience getting to where we end up at the end of our trip. Be grateful, you can't always want more than you already have, just be content with enough. You'll be a lot happier.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Don't throw your pear at me!!!

2009-12-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight the most awesomest person brought me some hot chocolate. It was a nice surprise, well the fact that it was hot chocolate at least. I loooove hot chocolate, especially on nights like these. Thanks.

On another note, you know what I hate the most?! Crazy drivers, sometimes it's really like WTF are you doing?! Seriously!!! I'm not going to get into details because I can't stop once I start, but we all know what I am talking about. hmm anyway I don't have anything clever or insightful to write tonight, but I wanted to post something so there it is. Finals are next week so yup.

"Many times u cant find urself until u lose everything else"

She is...90210

2009-12-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

I miss the times when I would have my older sister around. I would be playing and she would come and knock over everything I was playing with just to see me cry. Then hours later we would be coloring or doing something together not even thinking about how she was so mean to me. I miss running around outside in the sun, running through bushes as we played tag. I miss falling down and having my older sister pick me up and tell me i'll be okay. I miss the moments we would open up with each other and share our inner most feelings...

Unfortunately, I never had any of these experiences, I didn't grow up with my sister...When we did live together I was in high school and she got on my nerves more than half the time, but I guess it happens, you really can't have 2 girls under the same roof. I'll stick with the boys, at least I can push them around and they won't get all moody about it, they'll just fight back lol...

"It is not always easy to see the path you're on, but just remember as long as you keep going, it will always be there."

Where do you come from?

2009-12-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

I come from sinners who came from saints. I come from a bottomless pit of angst, constantly filling me with nothing but bitterness and a new found sorrow for my once never so happy life. I come from a constant pain in my heart that only I may know and only I may cure. I come from the best people I know, who are consequently enough, the most dysfunctional I know as well. I come from a broken heart made by lies and deceit from a coward never worthy of my love, yet at the same time I would never change a moment of it's memories. I come from a home that knows no limits, no boundaries, no rules, no structure, and absolutely no motivation to be better, but to just settle, quit and accept mediocrity. I come from broken trust, broken promises, and lies stacked so high the first faint breath upon them could cause them to collapse. However, I also come from my own judgement and my lack of following crowds has helped me step outside of this all and really see things in my own perspective. I see that I am not like many around me, nor do I think, act, or feel the way others around me may. I have developed my own piece of mind and have become truly unique. The downfall is that sometimes I lose myself. Sometimes my anguish becomes so unbearable that I just...

Sometime it's easier to give up, to tap out and say I quit. But, is that what you really want, knowing you could have gone further and didn't? Knowing you gave up because...you couldn't find it in you to persevere through a little pain, push through some brick walls? Are we so inferior that we can't just realize our strength and give it our all. Many times it is easier said than done. Some of us can't find that fight in us, we wait around and expect things to come to us...Expect to win on some others terms. What we don't realize is that it's not about anything or anyone else but ourselves. It's about what we really want for ourselves, not what "they" want for us. How content would you be knowing you gave up even though you didn't want to? How proud would you be saying you only gave part of yourself to finish and not your all.

Maybe I can't see this in myself...Maybe it took me till now to finally realize I really need to take my own advice ;]

Or maybe, it's just me writing again...

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose."

The choices we make dictate the lives we live.

2009-12-04T14:42:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up to a couple of text messages. They were from one of my best friends. He was asking me about a situation he was in and it inspired me to write this blog. I know I've already touched on it a bit in my previous blogs, but here we go.

Bare with me for a moment and take this scenario into consideration. You're in a relationship and you love this person. Things are seemingly well and you have little to no doubt about what you're doing in the relationship. However, your partner becomes distant and eventually asks you to "take a break"...You agree and begin to hang out with friends and such, but one of them is someone who you start to develop feelings for as more than a friend, but you never cross the line and cheat on your partner because you still love them and feel even though you're on a break you don't want anything to happen to lose their trust. You're confused, you don't know what to do. Moreover, you feed off affection and the feelings you have developed for this new person are strong and you don't want it to stop. But, you're stuck and don't know what to do...What do you do...?

I'm sure many of you would know exactly what to do or how to feel. It would be easy, but it isn't for everyone. We all handle and think things differently. My opinion on this situation is just this: it's a break, obviously for reasons both parties know. If new feelings are developed then who are we to fight them? I suppose it would be best to act accordingly if you would like and see what happens. Sometimes it's better to follow your heart than your mind. Sometimes easier said than done I know.

My friend, let me tell you this guy is awesome. He pretty much blows all other guys out of the water, puts them to shame. He works off his heart and not his mind or ego [at least thats how I see it]. Most just want in it for the sex or looks only, to be able to brag later and say "yeah I hit that!", but some aren't and its rare to find. Not only guys either, but a PERSON in general who can be like this. It is good when a person knows the right ways in which a person, anyone, should be treated and when you can learn to like, crush, love, and even appreciate someone for who they really are as a person and not as an object that's when you know you truly have a genuine person on your hands. Anyway this can go on forever and I don't really want it to. So, if you have anything you want to share as far as your opinion or anything, feel free to leave a comment or something.

"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise."

<3

2009-12-04T02:12:00.000-08:00

They say home is where the heart is...

this is where my heart is...

"I listen to the old nsync christmas album and eat twix when i need a release."

2009-12-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

They make me feel just like this!!!

These two little monsters give me all the love and more that I could possibly imagine. I can't ever love them enough. Everything I need with love, I have right here. =]

Bwahaha! I love Sarah! Shes the coolest girl in the bay! She lets me hold onto her when we watch scary movies as I yell "OH SHIT!" bahaha, I get scared easily! So glad we met! It was love at first sight, and she totally took my sex jacket virginity!! Bwahaha! No matter what Angie thinks, it's true, don't hate!

So today brought about a great conversation and random memories of my grandfather who has since passed on, [RIP grandpa]. Random memory of our last Thanksgiving together was in 2003, we were at his house and he didn't like some of the food and said: "Oh syit, what kind ob party is dis ip you can't eben eat what you want!" as he lets the food drop out of his mouth, haha awe I miss him so much!

Today made me realize a few things. 1. I bitch and complain a lot. 2. People still surprise me and I like it. 3. It could always be much worse...Sometimes I should take my own advice, I've noticed a pattern of me loving to help people and encourage them, however, I never take my own advice, it's like oh well la la la I don't care...ugh. Anyway I had my emo moments earlier, but feel a lot better thanks to Alex. "Sometimes it's the simplest things that make the biggest impact."

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

"See I told you I had one..."

2009-12-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

My niece shouts as she brings me a collection of classic cartoons on dvd her mom had bought for her. This is after I showed her the ones I bought for her, she replied no thanks, I have some at home. We were at my house, but then I took her home thinking nothing more on the matter. At her house we were sitting in the Theater room and out of nowhere she runs up showing me the dvd set saying "see I told you I had one!!!" Surprised, I didn't even realize she would remember this hours later. She always amazes me, she is a bright child and shows it everyday I am around her.

I just thought it was an interesting tale to share. I love this little monster.

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize that whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it."

It is only when we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything...

2009-12-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

After losing everything, it hasn't felt much like I'm free as that line promises. It has just caused more chaos and breathlessness, frustration, stress, etc. etc. I say this because sometimes we are bound by our thoughts, we want something so much yet we are afraid to go after it. We are afraid of rejection or the perception of others ill thoughts. I won't lie, there is something I want. Something I want a lot, but I'm too afraid to go after it and I feel like I'm stuck in this feeling and even though I want out, I won't do what I know I have to do to actually get out. I'm human, I'm afraid of what might happen, but at the same time, I'm curious to find out if I could be wrong about my guess as well. Ugh! I hate this, it's like I'm ten again.

What would you guys do? If you were crushing on someone and you knew that you wanted to say something, but you got the feeling that the feelings weren't mutual or that the person you are crushing on is interested in someone else and not really thinking about you the way you are thinking about them...Would you muster up the nerve to tell them or what?! Let me know I need some advice or at least some familiar encouragement on the situation.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."

"Annie! What the fuck are you doing?!"

2009-11-30T01:07:00.000-08:00

My brother shouts in a split second as I smash into the back of some guy's car. Everything happened so fast, I couldn't even calm down to realize what had just happened. My first car accident, I never thought it would happen like that, I was going down the interstate 5 East highway, jammed packed with cars swerving in and out of lanes trying to get ahead faster, but really there was no where to go. A six hour drive turned into a ten hour drive. Traffic the entire way! Anyway, so the car accident happened, everyone was okay and the car wasn't damaged too bad so it was okay to keep driving home.

I spent the weekend in the bay, Thanksgiving dinner, spa craziness with the boys, hookah, vodka, scary movies, screaming, videos, pictures, megaphones, gay showers, crack in Oakland...I mean seriously, what more could I have asked for?! bahaha. It was fun while it lasted, but I am glad to finally be home, but not so happy about my car accident, but it will pass. I spent way too much money than I anticipated, ugh! However I loved the experience...Next time it will be accident free. bahah. Video coming soon. *-*

"Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

It's times like these...

2009-11-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

When even the simplest gesture makes the biggest impact. I will come back to you in a few days with a new blog. Trust.

For now, Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving!!!

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy because we will always want to have something else or something more."

Today

2009-11-25T12:16:00.000-08:00

Just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I seriously just want to find a spot where no one can get to me and just stay there in isolation for a couple hours, yet, my phone keeps ringing and people keep bugging me. There are things I have to be doing so I can't just disappear right now sadly. =/

Lets hope I don't lose it by the end of the day.

"Even in the darkest of light, our faith & hope will see us through..."

"You got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?"

2009-11-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

Crushes!! Crushes!! Crushes!! We all have them, we all get one at one point or another and we all take them differently. Some of us crush so easy and fast, some are pretty hard and last for a long time before you even say anything to the person you have a crush on, that is, if you decide to say anything at all. why is it that human interactions are always the hardest, its like we would rather learn heart surgery than talk to the person we like the most or at least admit to them that we have a crush. However, it does suck when we are crushing so bad and so hard, but we know the other person just isn't interested, we feel rejection in a sense and depending who you are, it'll either be easy or hard to let that go. Sometimes it sucks because we develop crushes on friends and we tend to be afraid to ruin the friendship that we do not even attempt to say anything at all, but sometimes we do and depending on each individual it either goes, again, good or bad. Either way, crushes are just crushes, sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don't, but sometimes you just wish this would work out for the best and you get to end up with your crush, meh! Good luck with your crush if you have one.

Remember, just don't be afraid to admit to your feelings, I always tend to think that as long as your honest and you go for it, and even if you fail you can say, "at least I tried." or something along those lines. What do we have to lose? Our pride? Lets just put that aside for a few moments and realize even if we do embarrass ourselves, life will go on, you won't die, you'll live to see tomorrow! So if you have the courage, just go for it! People always like to know they are liked, even if the feelings aren't mutual.

If you're sprung and you know the other doesn't feel the same, just let it go. You have a lot of others who would be willing or eventually will have a crush on you when you are crushing on them too. At least, thats the way I see it.

"Love is more than saying I love you..."

Really, over a parking spot?!

2009-11-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

Seriously, when is enough enough? Okay, firstly, the only reason I am bringing up this topic in tonights blog is because it is so absurd that I cannot even believe it myself... Today I came home after class to my mom washing her car. She signals me to park on the street so she doesnt wet my car. I yell "oh come on!" just to mess with her. I get out and basically she tells me something or other along the lines of just don't park in the driveway anymore because Bryant's daughter is bitching and complaining, and that she had gotten into an argument over it. Saying, Bryant said that technically it is his daughters spot cause she parked there first. I'm like wow really, you guys are getting worked up over a parking spot?! REALLY?! It's nonsense! it's just a spot to park in, who cares, I don't! I got worked up ONLY by the fact that this girl doesn't stop, she has no life so she decides to do anything and everything else to cause trouble around our once not so chaotic home. She disrespects everyone in the house, including my mom and thats just not cool, but, at the same time expects everyone to respect her. Come on! She's a thirty year old leach, that sucks the life out of everyone in this house. She mooches off her dad constantly, and he is too much of a coward to say anything to her. I'm sorry, but it's true. She has no goals, no morals, no anything, she basically just wastes air. I know I'm old enough too here as I still stay with my mom, but I don't beg her for money, I don't ask for favors, I do what I can to help her out with anything she needs and on top of that I am going to school full time, I'm a starving student if you will. I appreciate that I still get to stay at home, unlike this girl who just takes everything for granted, who constantly is saying ill things about my family and will do anything to make someone else's day just as miserable as she is. I'm not trying to say our actions and thoughts about her wouldn't be different if she was a little more respectful of everyone around the house, because they would if she acted civilized. However, she is always coming up with something to cause my mom and her dad to fight, or to get my younger brothers into trouble. It's not right and I refuse to have any association with a person like that. Especially one who is thirty, living off of her dad, and has no intention of working, going to school or doing something with her life. All she does is cheat the law, mooch off her dad, bring her dead beat boyfriend around that probably sells drugs as he has had numerous people come to OUR house looking for him, it's fucking unsafe, but she doesn't care, she doesn't have the right mind to care. Everything will fall down on her soon enough and when it does, I won't be surprised, she will deserve everything she gets. Then maybe she will regret coming into my family's home and treating us all like inferiors, but even that I don't expect of her. Sadly, some people just have no sense.

I ran away to tell the world.

2009-11-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

"Don't spend your whole life waiting for your whole life...thinking that it's over."

If we are all just living to die or dying to live, then why is it that we spend the majority of our lives WISHING we had done something different, or taken that extra step, but didn't? Life is out there, so lets fucking take advantage, lets stop wishing and start doing. In the wise words of Diddy, LETS GO!!!

"I think were moving to fast..."

2009-11-22T23:23:00.000-08:00

Let me start with a short introduction on how I decided to write this particular blog tonight...

I came home to my brother following me into my room, sitting on my bed and saying he has something important to talk to me about..."Annie, I feel bad for this girl" he states. Why? I ask, not really interested in what he is saying as I am unpacking my things from spending the weekend at my brothers house. He replies, "she sent me this text, saying something or other along the lines of she really likes me and thinks about me a lot." ... So, I come back with: "well what's the problem, you don't like her back or what?" As he pipes back, "No, I do, but theres someone else..." He's troubled, wants to know what to do or what I think in general about the whole situation. My main response was basically along the lines of, well if you're okay with hurting her feelings and all then no thats not bad...He said not to make him feel worse! Haha, okay so... I don't know or really care what he plans to do, but it raised interest in my head to write about situations like this.

Infatuation - Noun - A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.

Many people often confuse love and infatuation. I'm always interested in how people fall in love or whatever they tend to fall into and move so quickly. Often times I wonder how the minds of some people work in comparison to my own. I have to remind myself that just because I think and perceive things a certain way doesn't mean everyone or even anyone does as well. Alright, back on track here. There are just so many things running around in my head, it's so busy up there. I see so many things go on and have had some experiences myself, but, sometimes, more often than not, we tend to let ourselves get ahead in the sense that when we find someone that we connect with and feel that there's a remote chance that there could be something more, we feel so elated and high on the feeling. We begin to move so quickly that we do not see or realize our actions in the process. We lose sight of reality and don't stop to really ask ourselves what's going on? We want it all and we want it now. You all know what I am talking about, so my real question is, what happens when that high is gone?! What happens when the things you liked most just blend into one another now and you start seeing things or seeing parts you don't like or really hate about this person you were once so INFATUATED with? You now have this piece of you that you gave up, the part where you know it's going to take a lot more than just a simple goodbye to move on. But, why can't it be that easy? Because you have invested so much time into making something so simple into something so complicated, you have tangled feelings, emotions, time, and even your heart into what may turn out to be something you don't want to suffer through again, because, as you have told yourself time and time again you don't want to put yourself in such situations again where you're up for offerings of getting hurt. However, every time, you do it, you claim this person is the exception, this is the one who is different, this is the one...That may be, but at the same time, how can you know for sure? I guess that's something you have to figure out on your own. So what happens after the high? For most, nothing, I would suppose it ends there...But, for some, I would think that maybe just maybe it's worth the time, to continue on with whatever it is they have, to work towards wherever they want to be with each other. I think the real love comes after the infatuation, after the excitement and after everything has fallen away and you can still say with honesty that you are still truly happy and you would do anything and everything it takes to make it last with your person of interest. What is love, but, loving unconditionally with no expectations of anything in return.

Many of us want to be loved in return. Which, I would have to say is very selfish of us. This world is so screwed up. Nothing is ever what it seems anymore. I thought I was in love once and at times, still think about it and how I really feel about it all, but my anger and hate for the whole situation will not let me perceive things in neutral light. There are no guarantees in life, not by a long shot. The best we can do is hope and pray for the best. We are all free and old and wise enough to make the right choices we feel are good enough for ourselves and if not well just go into the woods and wait to die! Haha.

Furthermore, let us all just be exactly what it is that we want to be, but have been too afraid to admit to. Life is far too short to be living by anyone else's notions but our own.

"Live long and prosper."

your words are like knifes...

2009-11-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

At times we reflect and other times dwell. Sometimes, we tend to think about the things that hurt us the most. Someone that hurt us, either, physically or emotionally. Often more times than none, we think about these things, not to cause more pain to ourselves, but to... well sometimes yes to cause more pain, or to remember why we are mad, or angry and to stay that way. Or just for no other reason we can concoct in our head that seems logical enough as to why we are thinking such things. We do it till we get that lump in our throat, that pain in our stomach and that slight loss of breath, that when we think about it, it's as if we stop breathing for just a moment. So much so that we may shed a little tear and then remember we are not supposed to waste feelings on such things...

Why Annie, why are you writing about this? Well I will tell you all. Tonight, as I was online, some thoughts running through my head...I was sad because I missed something, well, I thought I missed something, I became overwhelmed as I sent "sometimes its still hard to think of all that you once had, and realize you just dont have it anymore..." to twitter as one of my many tweets. It's true you know, tell me you have never done this before, that you've never thought about something, and even for a moment felt heavy, because you know it's all gone, even though you thought at one point you would never ever lose it. Poof! Just like that it is no more... Just like that, how is that possible? How? I guess we ask many questions like this, but we seldom ever get the answers we'd like. Instead, we come to our own realizations and answers that usually seem to settle and put us at ease. As people, we must learn many things in life and go through certain events that we will not like, but in this, we learn about ourselves, we find the person, the real person inside of us and wonder how we could have been so foolish. We move on... Relationships, of any kind, come in and out of our lives and the best we can do is just go along with the ride until the next one begins. We shouldn't sit around and dwell, stress and complain about the things in which we cannot control. My friend once told me that just because you let go, doesn't mean you have to forget and the sooner you can let go, the sooner you can move on. I think she was right, thanks Marina ;] I guess sometimes it's just better to let go and enjoy everything for what it was and just let the past be exactly what it is...the past. We are not getting any younger, so lets just live and let live. There should be no wonder about the rest, just let it flow.

"Everything thats supposed to happen, will happen."

I will just leave it at that...

"This isn't easy for me..."

2009-11-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

I've spent twenty-five years of my life making mistakes, learning from them, growing, changing, and wishing I hadn't and sometimes had taken that chance/risk/dare/feeling/etc etc. But, I sit here and continue to live, breathe, change, grow and learn from the ever growing experiences in my life. sadly, I've yet to set in stone a purpose in my life, a firm straight line in which I will know leads me to my destiny. However, I doubt thats what I really want or need at this point, it may seem like it to others, but, I suppose the way I am going is the way that is meant for me. I'm going, so in my eyes I am succeeding. "You can't fail if you don't give up" a line in which I've taken to heart since hearing. I believe it.

So what is the point in this Annie? I hear you asking me this already. I guess my point in starting this blog is because I have a mind, I have thoughts and experiences that I suppose I can share with whoever reads this. IDK! A friend commented I don't reveal much about myself, so maybe thats another reason. I suppose to get inside my thoughts, is through my writing. I have a lot to share and maybe theres some experiences that should not go to waste, events that have taken place, memories that will not be forgotten, future events we pray for, moments that take our breath away, moments when were so low not even the happiest face can cheer us up, and even simple moments that need a place, maybe that place is here.

So read if you want...If not, oh well.

When I write, I tend to be the most honest and pure, I say exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. So if you read my thoughts, you have to be willing to have an open mind.

Enjoy...